I slept

Even though I was home alone with H.

I feel awful, I know I should have been interacting with him & not just leaving him to play by himself but I couldn’t muster up the energy to get off the sofa. I’m not good enough anyway so what’s the point in trying? I’m going to fail anyway so why even get started? These were my overriding thoughts that day and I’m not gonna lie I struggled to do anything other than empty the potty and make lunch for H.

I want to be a better mum but how can I do that when I can’t get these thoughts of failure out of my head. I knew that when J got home I was going to seek the reassurance that I needed to be able to get through another day. I tried to contact the service that provides the CBT sessions but no one picked up the phone, I didn’t want to leave a message as I felt I’d be wasting their time. I’ll try again another day and hopefully the wait isn’t too long as I really feel like CBT will help.

I’m going to try my best to leave the house or ask my sister to come round in future when I feel like this. I just feel like days in the house alone with H are not good for me but I should want to spend time with him. I’m not good for him right now and the more I have days like these the more that I see that. I know this is a really negative post and probably seems very woe is me but I am trying to improve. Writing these posts is the first step for me, getting things out and writing them down helps make sense of my thoughts.

I will have better days, I am determined to have better days. After H is in bed I’m going to plan an activity’s for us to do and I’m going to make myself do them no matter how I am feeling because it’s not all about me. It’s about making his life as good as I can and days like today do not do that.