Reassurance

Reassurance is a big big part of my OCD. I constantly seek reassurance mainly from my husband. That he is ok, my son is ok, I’m doing ok, that I’m loved, that he finds me attractive, that others like me, the list goes on and on. It’s exhausting for me & it’s exhausting for him.

I’ve always thought that I’ve had a fairly high sex drive but have realised recently that I don’t. My need was for my husband to show me that he finds me attractive. If we hadn’t been intimate for a few days I’d start pestering him -and asking him why he didn’t want to have sex with me. Is there any bigger turn off than being pestered constantly? Over the past couple of weeks I’ve realised that the need for the reassurance that he’s into me and that he does want me isn’t healthy. I’ve realised it’s a part of that need I have. I acknowledge that and tell myself well of course he loves me, he’s with me, he treats me like a queen and has never done anything for me to not trust in this or in our relationship. This realisation has been such a relief.

I think it’s incredibly hard for loved ones of reassurance seekers because it feels supportive to give this reassurance that is needed. However this just feeds the obsession and it becomes a cycle. Giving that reassurance feels kind but it gives validation to that part of the obsession it creates friction because the person giving the reassurance will start to feel irritated by this constant need. It can feel harsh to be vague when answering these reassurance needs but the best way to deal with them is to be honest. Instead of checking and reassuring say I don’t know or do you really need to know the answer or does your OCD need to know the answer? For me it can feel like a massive effort to not ask these questions but I no longer need a message from J to know he’s safely at work or safely home because of anything bad happened if have been told. I am his next of kin.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit but writing these things down helps me to make sense of them in my mind. My need for reassurance is something that I battle every single day and some days I manage it much better than others. My aim is to eventually not have that need for reassurance or to be able to brush it off the need. Right now having more days when I can do that than when I can’t is what I’ll settle for.