The past 3 years

I was having a little catch up on a Facebook group I’m on a few days ago and it was basically asking what had happened over the last 3 years for those new members or those who had taken time out of the group just to catch up. It got me thinking about how much shit I have been through in the past 3 years. It’s no wonder my mental health has taken such a hit after really sitting down and thinking about what I’ve been through.

Don’t get me wrong there have been some amazing moments, becoming a family of 3 has been incredible but it’s also where a lot of my anxieties have come from. Having a small baby that I was responsible for was incredibly difficult for me when I had intrusive thoughts of harming him or him being harmed.

Around 4 and a half years ago my uncle died and that’s where I feel like a lot of the crappy things that have gone on in my life started from and I’ve really struggled to see the positives since then. He was such a big inspiration to me that I don’t think I’ve ever really come to terms with losing him and ever since he passed I’ve had this incredible guilt for not spending enough time with him, not phoning him and just having a chat. Even today I feel that I could have done so much more with and for him. Since he died I’ve got married, had a baby, changed jobs, moved house & began to come to terms with my mental health struggles. It doesn’t seem like a lot but they’re big life events that he would have been there for and he would have played a big part in all of them.

Since H was born I feel like looking back I’ve really struggle to pick myself up as well as I did before. My anxieties seem heightened which I guess can be normal after having a baby but I seem to find it hard to control them and they end up controlling me. Even 3 years after having H I haven’t seem to be able to get control of my mental health so I decided it was time to seek help. I’m so glad I did, even though I haven’t started my CBT sessions yet I know they’re going to be starting soon and I’ve also been looking online and reading about different techniques and how to live with the thoughts and feelings I have rather than trying to stop them.

This past year in particular has been really difficult for not only me but my family. We have been through an awful lot of stress this year but it’s finally looking like we might be coming out the other end. I think it’s important to surround yourself with people who you love and who will love and support you. Ill mental health can be difficult for some people to understand which has certainly been the case for me at some points but there are so many resources online for loved ones of people with OCD or anxiety & a number of other mental health conditions that put things better than I could have ever attempted and it really helped J to understand a bit more of what I was going through.

Once again I feel like I’m rambling a bit but that’s something I tend to do as it’s probably quite apparent in my blog posts! Thank you for reading, it really means a lot.