CBT Week 3

Week 3 was last weeks session which I have written about in my notebook so it’s not me tackling it from a week ago! After each session I like to write down what we spoke about, what we decided and how I felt it went. I feel like it really helps me to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings around it and gives me an opportunity to think of any questions to ask the following week.

We started by going over where we finished last week and spoke about my week (stressful!). We talked about what I had learnt about intrusive thoughts over the last week which was mainly about how the thoughts latch on to the things that you care most about. That is where they get their power from. If the thoughts were about something benign, something I didn’t really care about or would feel embarrassment or disgust over then they wouldn’t cause a reaction but because they centre on those things I care about they case this focus and a reaction from me. I also learnt that intrusive thoughts are ‘normal’ (whatever that might be). I think it was something like 4 out of 5 people have intrusive thoughts and 1 in 50 go on to have anxiety about those thoughts.The fact that I believe the thoughts could come true is what causes me most of my anxieties. If I didn’t believe them then they wouldn’t give me anxiety. We also came to the conclusion that the things I do prevent me from realising they are just thoughts.

One thing that we talked about that we haven’t before was my birth with H and how I worry that I didn’t give him the best start in life and that I don’t love him. We decided that I would look into PND and attachment and bonding. When he was born I didn’t feel that rush of love partly because I was under general anaesthetic and then when I first met him I didn’t want to hold him as I was sore, groggy and tired from the anaesthetic.

I always feel like the hour I have each week goes by so quickly and I wish I had more time but I also think in hindsight we cover so much! This week we decided on a behaviour experiment. I am to invite into my head one of my intrusive thoughts – initially we said about pushing H over which is a frequent thought but this made me feel nauseous so we decided on a smaller step and that would be to think of snatching something from him. I have to sit or be close to him and think of snatching whatever he is playing with from him and not push the thought out of my mind, not distract myself and not move away from him. Then I need to see what happens, if I push the thought away I need to bring it back to the front of my mind. I am actually really nervous about doing this because at the end of the day what if I do it? That will mean I’m terrible.

I’ve recently started to struggle at work a little more than before, not stepping on the lines and cleaning has become a little worse over the past week but I have been more stressed and tired as H hasn’t been sleeping well and I’m really bad at taking my medication. Along with this I’ve been picking up a few extra hours at work. Any tips on on ways to remind myself of taking my medication regularly are greatly received, at the moment I’m thinking a big sign on the fridge should work but wanting something more subtle than that!!