CBT Week 4

I’m writing this over a week after my actual session so it’s not going to be the best. I always mean to write about each session right after they’ve happened and so far I’ve been pretty good at doing this but I’ve had such a busy week I just kept forgetting!

We started off again by talking about my week and my behaviour experiment that we set in the previous session. H hasn’t been sleeping fest recently so I’ve been tired and had a shorter temper than normal. My behaviour experiment was harder than I expected it to be mainly because it was such a small thing and I’d been building it up as I was so nervous about doing it. I had to sit beside H while he was doing something that he enjoyed – I decided to do it when he was on the iPad – and force myself to think of snatching it from him. It was hard initially to keep the thought in my mind and I noticed I was led on my hands to keep myself from doing anything. I sat up and interacted with what H was doing and I kept the thought at the front of my mind. I felt really anxious and my heart felt like it was racing but nothing untoward happened. Afterwards I felt a sense of relief that I could think something like this and nothing happened.

Part of the behaviour experiments is to give a ‘belief rating’ at the start and then after. When I wrote out my experiment my belief that I was going to act on my thought unless I neutralised it, moved away from H, or sat on my hands was 100% and my belief in the ‘alternative’ was 0% (they’re just thoughts). After my behaviour experiment I thought they would switch but although they did change I still have that belief that I need to neutralise my thoughts, I need to do something to ensure my thoughts do not happen. Why would I think that and not want to act on it? It’s not a miracle cure, it’s going to take time and effort for me to one day believe ‘they’re just thoughts’.

My next behaviour experiment was to take another step towards thinking of pushing H (which I still find too much). We decided on giving myself a few options so that if I feel one is too much I can choose another to try and do instead. The things we decided on was; taking food from H, cutting or harming his favourite soft toy, pouring water over H or cutting his comfort blanket. I get anxious just thinking of doing trying these behaviour experiments but I know from the last one that they help. I know this anxiousness is me attaching meaning to these thoughts. It doesn’t stop it and I know I’m going to put off doing these behaviour experiments till the last minute but I need to do them to help myself. I love my son, I know I do but I question my love for him every single day due to the thoughts I have. I question everything about myself, my relationships & my life because of the thoughts I have and it’s exhausting.

I haven’t been very open with those around me about having OCD partly because of how much I see it trivialised. It makes me feel silly. I also have days when I feel like I’m making it all up. That I don’t have anything wrong and I’m playing on it. Is that ‘normal’ for me to question even having OCD, for even needing help?

My next session is in just over 2 weeks time so I may do another post in the meantime to go over how the behaviour experiments are going. I haven’t done any yet and I should have already done 3 so I really need to bite the bullet and do them!