Update November ‘19

I didn’t manage to write a blog post between my sessions & I’ve already had my 6th session but I thought I’d talk about how I was feeling in between my last 2 sessions as I feel like a lot has happened and I don’t want to waffle on too much and end up with a super long post!

So I’m my 5th session we decided to repeat some of the experiments I first did and rate my anxiety around each one to see if this had changed. I started by doing the one with the iPad (H sat with the iPad and I think of snatching it from him). I have my belief (I’m going to act on my thoughts) a rating of 50% and the alternative (they’re just thoughts) 75%, for this one I was fairly confident that I wasn’t going to do anything because I had done this but before. My anxiety around it was quite low and I finished with belief ratings of 25% & 90%.

I then went on to repeat the experiment about harming one of H’s soft toys and I did this one two more times, in order to compare how my anxiety was – mainly if it changed at all. The first time I rated my belief 40% and the alternative 75% and my anxiety while I was doing it was around 4-5. I started to feel like I was trusting myself whilst doing this experiment and it almost felt like I was turning a corner. At the end my belief and alternative ratings were 20% and 90% again just that little bit of me that remains not 100% convinced. I decided to repeat this one in order to compare my anxiety and when I did it for the second time I rated my anxiety at a 2-3.

Repeating these behaviours experiments gave me the boost that I needed to take the next step. My next experiment was to think of pouring water over H. Normally if this kind of thought was to occur I would put the water down, distract myself & reassure myself. When I thought about my belief and alternative ratings for this one I felt surprised when I found myself believing the alternative (that it’s just a thought) more than my original belief. I have them 30% & 75%. My anxiety around doing this experiment was around a six because I was worried about accidentally tripping and spilling the water on H which would be a failure. I continued with the experiment and afterwards gave my belief 30% and the alternative 80%. When I carried out the experiment nothing happened, I didn’t pout or spill any water. I decided that I would repeat this one before moving onto the next as the next step feels like a big step that I wasn’t quite ready for!

When I redid this one my anxiety had reduced slightly (4-5) and my belief ratings had gone down (25% and 80%) partly because I had previously done it with nothing untoward happening. I felt more confident in the alternative that ‘thoughts are thoughts’.

The last behaviour experiment that I did was the very first one I spoke about with my counsellor. The situation was that I could push H over. Usually I would remove myself from the situation and give H something that he can occupy himself with. I also tend to distract myself and mentally reassure myself. When I first set this experiment my belief in my prediction of acting on this thought was 100% and my belief in the alternative was 0%. When I actually did the experiment although I felt anxious about it (5-6) I did believe that I wouldn’t do it. H was fine and we continued on our walk to pre school. This tells me that I need to remember again that they’re thoughts. I’m not going to harm my son just because I have a random thought. At the end of this my belief ratings were 25% and 90%. I think there will always be apart of me that believes my thoughts and some days it’s easier to accept them that others.