It’s been a while…

Hasn’t it just?! I’m going to be honest, I’m not in a great place right now. I’m in my third trimester of pregnancy and a time that should be filled with joy and love are just filling me with dread right now. I feel awful because I’m not giving my best self to H, I’m not paying attention to him as I should be and I feel like I’m failing him when I’m meant to be preparing him for school.

So, my pregnancy! I found out I was pregnant end of February so around a month before lockdown happened. As I work in healthcare it has been an incredibly anxious time for me more because I’ve been worried about how people at work will think of me for my decisions about being/not being at work and how much I’ve been fighting (or not) my corner to get things put in place at work. I’ve been ok with the health side of things, I feel I’ve been protecting myself well but not overdoing it. I made the decision to stop taking my medication around 8 weeks pregnant and until recently I’ve felt like I’ve been doing really well. Recently my intrusive thoughts and compulsions have been a lot worse. I’ve been reassurance seeking a lot without even noticing I’m doing it. I’ve also been feeling a lot more ‘down’ over the past week or so and struggling more and more to pick myself up, I’m feeling so lonely as well, not something I’ve really had an issue with before. I have friends I just don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to day to day about any of these feelings I’m having and it makes me feel so alone.

I cannot wait to have this baby, I’m so looking forward to the birth, to having a newborn, to seeing H with his baby sibling. He’s so excited it warms my heart every time he talks about the baby coming and what will happen. He even said about the baby sleeping in his room when it cries because he’ll be able to make him happy. I am looking forward to taking walks with the dog and the baby, to doing the school run, to starting baby swimming lessons. I want to be a good mum to this baby and hopefully get those feelings that I missed with H. Right now though, this stage of pregnancy I’m not enjoying, I haven’t really enjoyed any part, I didn’t with H either. I turn into a moany mess when I’m pregnant! I wish I could enjoy the kicks & movements, the little feelings of having this tiny baby growing inside of me but it’s not happening for me and I’ve come to realise that and stopped trying to force it. Instead I’m looking forward to when the baby is here.

I’m definitely rambling now! It feels good to be writing again, I’m going to try to do it more often again as it definitely helps. It helps me make sense of my thoughts and kind of makes me feel like I’m talking to someone about how I’m feeling. Thank you as always for reading, even if it doesn’t make much sense! Hopefully my next post will be better but for now I’m going to leave it there.