OCD, Anxiety & Me

CBT Week 1

So I should have written and posted this weeks ago & I wrote it in my notebook but completely forgot to type it up & post it and then when I did for some reason it wouldn’t upload! So here we are.

We started by talking about what my issues are and what we discussed were three main areas: low self worth, intrusive thoughts & reassurance needs. We decided that low self worth was what would be the main focus of our sessions and we went on to talk about the feelings that I have surrounding this. I have since changed my mind & I would like to focus on my intrusive thoughts in our sessions.

We began by talking about what happens with the different areas that make up my main issues for example I feel like I’m a terrible mother somedays so what’s the point in trying which then becomes a cycle of feeling awful because I’m not trying and it continues. I get overwhelmed with housework & then don’t know where to start so don’t bother and again the cycle continues, I then feel like I’m an awful wife & mother because I can’t even keep on top of housework which feeds into the low self worth.

We talked about how I have in the past and still occasionally (to a lesser extent) self harm. This is not something I talk about to anyone. I’m not sure I’ve even told J. When I get frustrated or overwhelmed I hit myself. It’s almost like an instant relief and I know I need to find another way to deal with those feelings but I can’t figure out what in that moment. In that moment all there is is the overriding need for relief and hitting myself is what brings that. This will change. I am determined for this to change and I have been recommended the harmless website to look at other ways of getting that relief and dealing with those feelings.

At the end of our session I told the therapist that I was worried about the CBT not having worked or realising what we had spent all this time on not being my main issue and what would happen then. She reassured me that they advise to wait six months to consolidate the techniques we have used but then if I feel I need more support then I can re refer myself to the service which was a massive massive relief for me to hear.

For the 2 weeks since my first session I had been writing down my thoughts and feelings and this has helped me to decide that I’d like to change the focus of my sessions to intrusive thoughts.

I found this session really hard but I’m feeling positive and looking forward to my next session.

The past 3 years

I was having a little catch up on a Facebook group I’m on a few days ago and it was basically asking what had happened over the last 3 years for those new members or those who had taken time out of the group just to catch up. It got me thinking about how much shit I have been through in the past 3 years. It’s no wonder my mental health has taken such a hit after really sitting down and thinking about what I’ve been through.

Don’t get me wrong there have been some amazing moments, becoming a family of 3 has been incredible but it’s also where a lot of my anxieties have come from. Having a small baby that I was responsible for was incredibly difficult for me when I had intrusive thoughts of harming him or him being harmed.

Around 4 and a half years ago my uncle died and that’s where I feel like a lot of the crappy things that have gone on in my life started from and I’ve really struggled to see the positives since then. He was such a big inspiration to me that I don’t think I’ve ever really come to terms with losing him and ever since he passed I’ve had this incredible guilt for not spending enough time with him, not phoning him and just having a chat. Even today I feel that I could have done so much more with and for him. Since he died I’ve got married, had a baby, changed jobs, moved house & began to come to terms with my mental health struggles. It doesn’t seem like a lot but they’re big life events that he would have been there for and he would have played a big part in all of them.

Since H was born I feel like looking back I’ve really struggle to pick myself up as well as I did before. My anxieties seem heightened which I guess can be normal after having a baby but I seem to find it hard to control them and they end up controlling me. Even 3 years after having H I haven’t seem to be able to get control of my mental health so I decided it was time to seek help. I’m so glad I did, even though I haven’t started my CBT sessions yet I know they’re going to be starting soon and I’ve also been looking online and reading about different techniques and how to live with the thoughts and feelings I have rather than trying to stop them.

This past year in particular has been really difficult for not only me but my family. We have been through an awful lot of stress this year but it’s finally looking like we might be coming out the other end. I think it’s important to surround yourself with people who you love and who will love and support you. Ill mental health can be difficult for some people to understand which has certainly been the case for me at some points but there are so many resources online for loved ones of people with OCD or anxiety & a number of other mental health conditions that put things better than I could have ever attempted and it really helped J to understand a bit more of what I was going through.

Once again I feel like I’m rambling a bit but that’s something I tend to do as it’s probably quite apparent in my blog posts! Thank you for reading, it really means a lot.

Reassurance

Reassurance is a big big part of my OCD. I constantly seek reassurance mainly from my husband. That he is ok, my son is ok, I’m doing ok, that I’m loved, that he finds me attractive, that others like me, the list goes on and on. It’s exhausting for me & it’s exhausting for him.

I’ve always thought that I’ve had a fairly high sex drive but have realised recently that I don’t. My need was for my husband to show me that he finds me attractive. If we hadn’t been intimate for a few days I’d start pestering him -and asking him why he didn’t want to have sex with me. Is there any bigger turn off than being pestered constantly? Over the past couple of weeks I’ve realised that the need for the reassurance that he’s into me and that he does want me isn’t healthy. I’ve realised it’s a part of that need I have. I acknowledge that and tell myself well of course he loves me, he’s with me, he treats me like a queen and has never done anything for me to not trust in this or in our relationship. This realisation has been such a relief.

I think it’s incredibly hard for loved ones of reassurance seekers because it feels supportive to give this reassurance that is needed. However this just feeds the obsession and it becomes a cycle. Giving that reassurance feels kind but it gives validation to that part of the obsession it creates friction because the person giving the reassurance will start to feel irritated by this constant need. It can feel harsh to be vague when answering these reassurance needs but the best way to deal with them is to be honest. Instead of checking and reassuring say I don’t know or do you really need to know the answer or does your OCD need to know the answer? For me it can feel like a massive effort to not ask these questions but I no longer need a message from J to know he’s safely at work or safely home because of anything bad happened if have been told. I am his next of kin.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit but writing these things down helps me to make sense of them in my mind. My need for reassurance is something that I battle every single day and some days I manage it much better than others. My aim is to eventually not have that need for reassurance or to be able to brush it off the need. Right now having more days when I can do that than when I can’t is what I’ll settle for.

Setbacks & fresh starts

This past week has been a rollercoaster. From recognising how much I’ve been relying on reassurance to get me through each day to losing someone in my extended family at a very young age & very suddenly it’s been hard.

I will not let this become me. I’ve decided that I started the week really well and those no reason that these realisations about my mental health should not continue. I don’t need to let this become a big setback. This week is a new week and I am determined for it to be a good one, I was making really good progress before and with the help of online communities I have begun to understand these thoughts & feelings I have. I’ve also begun to realise just how many people are affected by this type of mental health condition.

1 in 4 people suffer from ill mental health and that astonishes me. Everyone knows someone who has struggled with their mental health, although they might not know it, yet it’s still so misunderstood by some people and treated as a myth by others. It saddens me that in this day and age you can be treated differently by ill informed people and the extra hoops you have to jump through to to be able to do some things. I am so lucky to have supportive people around me, family, friends & colleagues who are always there for a chat or a moan or just to talk things through when I’m struggling.

Unfortunately in my area (as I’m sure is the same for many others) the wait for access to mental health services is very long. I’ve so far been waiting 2 or 3 months for my CBT sessions and am not expecting to hear anything about them until next year. I feel like I desperately need them right now and would really benefit from them right now. But to bridge that gap I’ve been using online resources which are fairly easy to find. The mindfulness workbook for OCD has been recommended to me a few times & I plan on buying it in the next few weeks and working slowly through it. Just from reading others blogs online I’ve learnt about how much I rely on the reassurance of my husband & other friends and family around me and I realise this needs to change as it’s not only exhausting for me but it’s so exhausting for them especially J.

I’m going to do a separate blog post about reassurance next week so keep an eye out for that. For now I’m going to try and enjoy my Sunday and look forward to a new week.

I slept

Even though I was home alone with H.

I feel awful, I know I should have been interacting with him & not just leaving him to play by himself but I couldn’t muster up the energy to get off the sofa. I’m not good enough anyway so what’s the point in trying? I’m going to fail anyway so why even get started? These were my overriding thoughts that day and I’m not gonna lie I struggled to do anything other than empty the potty and make lunch for H.

I want to be a better mum but how can I do that when I can’t get these thoughts of failure out of my head. I knew that when J got home I was going to seek the reassurance that I needed to be able to get through another day. I tried to contact the service that provides the CBT sessions but no one picked up the phone, I didn’t want to leave a message as I felt I’d be wasting their time. I’ll try again another day and hopefully the wait isn’t too long as I really feel like CBT will help.

I’m going to try my best to leave the house or ask my sister to come round in future when I feel like this. I just feel like days in the house alone with H are not good for me but I should want to spend time with him. I’m not good for him right now and the more I have days like these the more that I see that. I know this is a really negative post and probably seems very woe is me but I am trying to improve. Writing these posts is the first step for me, getting things out and writing them down helps make sense of my thoughts.

I will have better days, I am determined to have better days. After H is in bed I’m going to plan an activity’s for us to do and I’m going to make myself do them no matter how I am feeling because it’s not all about me. It’s about making his life as good as I can and days like today do not do that.

What are you proud of?

A few months ago I was at a social event and towards the end of the night there were only 3 or 4 couples left so we had a little mr & mrs game. For the most part this was really fun and we got to know the other couples a little better. There was one question however that threw me, not because I didn’t know what the answer was for my partner but because I couldn’t think of a single thing for me.

What is your partner most proud of?

I could think of countless things for J. Things he would be proud of but I couldn’t think of a single thing for myself. What am I proud of in my life? Not other people but things I have done or achieved. I couldn’t say H because I’ve failed him. I could not think of a single other thing that I could say. I cried for a long time after we got home and J tried to tell me different achievements I’ve had while I explained them away with failures.

Remembering this evening has made me think that I probably do have things to be proud of but I never ever think of myself as good enough. I want to change this. I am going to list my achievements and not attach negative remarks to them, I’m just going to write them down in my journal and look at them. Every achievement is a reason to feel proud. Big or small, personal or public. Once I’ve done this I am going to write reasons why I SHOULD feel proud of these. I’m going to write all the positive emotions these things make me feel and then I’m going to read it back to myself.

I know I have reasons to feel proud of myself but I really struggle to self promote even in the slightest way. I hope this goes well and I can end up writing a positive post about being proud of myself. But, for now I’d like to know what makes you proud of yourself?

What is OCD for me?

A lot of peoples perceptions of OCD is being a ‘neat freak’ or excessively cleaning but this is often not the case. For a lot of people OCD can be more about the obsessive part and then internal/mental compulsions. It isn’t seen very much by others but wreaks absolute havoc within your own mind.

There are many types of OCD relationship, harm, sexual, paedophilia, trans, contamination, somatic, responsibility. The list goes on. It is not as cut and dry as doing lots of cleaning or washing your hands loads, it’s the way it overtakes your mind making it impossible to concentrate on other things until you have completed a compulsion, until you have sought out reassurance or checked on someone/thing. Until you have gone through a ritual in your own head, for me it is sometimes physically shaking my head to rid these thoughts from my head. Sometimes I am unable to go to sleep or get out of bed because I might harm someone if I get out of bed. If I go to sleep I might wake up to someone having been harmed but if I stay awake I can prevent that from happening.

My day will often start with me imagining awful harm coming to my loved ones. I immediately check on everyone & sometimes check again. This is a compulsion, to a lot of people this might seem like normal checking but for me I HAVE to check because if I don’t what if something happens. What if something has happened. It would be my fault for not checking.

I believe that this started a lot earlier than postnatally. I believe it started during my childhood. In my family I was always the worrier. What if this happened, what if that happened, what can I do to minimise the risk or stop it from happening. How can I avoid this? When my nephew was born I worried constantly about him, I worried about dropping him or holding him wrong and his neck breaking. I worried about him falling over and hitting his head on a corner of something and splitting his head open. I worried about me accidentally dropping something on him. The thoughts of harm were constant. This isn’t something that I ever discussed with anyone, I kind of thought it was normal at the time. I was a teenager and in the end I got on with my life. My nephew grew up & the worrying eased, I forgot about it.

In the early stages of mine and J’s relationship I sought reassurance of his love for me, of the security of our relationship a lot. It was my first proper relationship so I didn’t really see this as an issue. Looking back this must have been exhausting at some points for J. Again, I didn’t think anything of this I just put it down to my own insecurities. I blamed myself, told myself I wasn’t good enough to have such a great guy want to be with me. When I gave birth to H it was traumatic and I ended up with a C-Section, my first (as I saw it) failure as a mother. Despite the fact that we both almost lost our lives that day I could not get over the fact I had not given my child the very best start in life. I had failed him. This was just the start for me. I didn’t manage to breastfeed for more than a week and this was my second failure. I didn’t bond with H, another failure. I felt like I was constantly failing. I researched how to be a better mum and threw myself into giving him good days. The only problem was I was constantly thinking about what other people were thinking of me. I ended up really struggling to leave the house and when I did I was worried about a car mounting the pavement or me pushing the pushchair into the road. H falling out of the pushchair, me dropping him, me hurting him.

This is what OCD is for me. The near constant stream of images of harm coming to my loved ones in various ways or of me harming them. I worry about my relationships and how much of a fraud people must think I am. I seek reassurance from J, from my friends and family. I have mental rituals I carry out to stop these harmful things from happening. At work I do not step on the cracks between flooring because something awful would happen. Since starting my medication I have quieter days, some days are so so much easier but I still have awful days.

One day with the help of CBT I hope to have a much quieter brain. A mind that isn’t in overridden with a stream of disturbing images. I hope to be able to take my son out without the worry that I’m going to throw him in front of a car, or that he’s going to break his neck at the play park. One day I will achieve this.

OCD, anxiety & me

I decided to start an Instagram page about my mental health & hopefully what will become my recovery. I then thought writing things down about my ‘journey’ might help me & I’m all about helping others as much as I can (the people pleaser in me!) so thought I’d try writing things down in a blog.

I’m keeping things anonymous so places & people may seem a bit generic, I won’t go into details about my job or my family but there will be some of course because they play a big part in my recovery & management of my mental health.

Briefly, a little bit about me. I’m in my late 20s living with my husband (J) & my son (H) who is a toddler. We live in the South of England & J & I both have stressful jobs requiring us to work shifts, luckily I’m able to do this part time and still bring in a decent enough wage to have a few luxuries in life. I’ve always thought to myself I have a great life, I’m very lucky why do I feel this way, why am I worrying about this when I really don’t have to?

Depression runs in my family, ever since I can remember my dad has suffered from quite severe depression. He had his first mental breakdown around the time my younger sister was born and I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for my mum. 3 young children, a dog and a husband who was suffering a severe depressive episode. Both of my sisters take anti depressants & so does my brother. My brother has tried to take his own life once before but is now doing really well. I have always felt that I am the ‘together’ one in my family. I went on to further education, I have a good job & I own my own home. I didn’t want to admit to any of them how awful I was feeling when my son was born so I didn’t.

As far as most people knew I was enjoying being a new mum & I loved my son but in reality I was struggling. I didn’t love my son, I cared for him a great deal but there was not a mother and son bond that you would expect. Breastfeeding didn’t work out for us which along with having an EMCS made me – in my eyes- a failure as a mother. If anyone had come to me with these issues I would of course tell them they were doing great, their baby clearly loved them and they were caring for them exactly how a new mother should. But I didn’t feel like this. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t a good enough mother & I wasn’t a good enough wife.

J saw this, he saw me struggling and on more than a handful of occasions told me I needed to speak to someone or go to the drs but each time I refused. I was fine, the bonding would happen, I would deal with how I was feeling myself & things would be just fine.

We muddled along like this for 3 years before I went to the doctors & spoke to someone about how I was feeling. During those 3 years I did bond with H, I love him more than I could even try to describe But I feel like I lost his first year or so to worry & stress.

In June this year I finally went to my GP and told her how I was feeling, She listened to me while I sobbed & said due to what I’d told her & how long a wait it would be for CBT sessions she thought it would be best to start some medication. I started 25mg of sertraline for 4 days and then increased to 50 mg per day. I do feel like this is starting to help although I do still have my bad days and I’m due to go back to my GP on Thursday so I’m going to discuss maybe increasing my dose until I start my CBT sessions. I had my phone assessment over a month ago now and still haven’t heard anything further. I scored very high for social anxiety and also scored over the threshold for OCD. After reading about OCD and the different types it made me realise that a lot of it rings true for me. Discussing things with J I think that a lot of my anxiety stems from OCD and the fact I obsess over certain thoughts.

I plan on talking about how I’m doing, my CBT sessions when they start, any drs appointments I have & just general mental health things. I’m also going to explore things from my childhood & where some of my thoughts & feelings stem from.